Aaron Duran

Since I got a couple of emails asking me if “that chick on Rick’s show is right”, I though I would re-post this little gem for you fine readers… Plus, I’m lazy and a repost helps eat up valuable bandwidth and time!

Like a certain radio show host, I repeatedly guaranteased an article about doing the impossible… Creating a two-fisted, mini painting, hit point calculating, critical hit rolling, Gamer Geek Babe. A task that has taken the input of no less then four wonderful Geek Women…

The research is over… The double-blind testing has been conducted… The results are in…

And so, as promised, after weeks of teasing and toiling I present to you; the fine reader…

Geek in the City’s step-by-step instructions in turning a normal Pretty Woman quoting lady into an old school Gamer Girl!

Step 1 – Find a girl:

I know this may seem incredibly redundant, however it is key if you wish to create the ultimate RPG Gamer Girl. Remember, if you don’t have a solid foundation with which to build upon, your plans shall topple like so many walls of Osgiliath against Orc hordes. And no, saying you met a girl online who lives in Canada doesn’t count. All your bros will know you are lying and will mock you both openly at the gaming table and to anyone who happens to be listening. “But oh wise one”, you ask, “if I can find myself a Geek Girl, why do I need this rant fest you insist on spewing upon me”? Um, well, you don’t. However, since folks asked me how to attract a normal chick to the gaming table I shall press on. (It should be noted also, that just because a girl considers herself a Geek does not mean she will partake in the mad dice tossing).

I do have some bad news though. During my exhaustive research and study panel questioning it has been made aware to me that some women simply cannot be converted. The hot babe who works at the Gap and can’t wait to buy the new Ashlee Simpson CD is beyond anyone’s ability. (Besides, why they hell would you want that girl anyway)? The gamer dude who is looking to ad some love to the gaming table must stack the deck in his favor: Wander the non-superhero section of your local comic book shop, that is where the majority of the women will be found (see also the Manga section…The real Manga section, not the one with tentacles you perv). Also, and I know this may prove annoying, but pop into your local alternative religions supply store. Many of the women found within already have a leaning toward fantasy and such, so the odds that they can be tempted to the gaming table are pretty high. (Although, the odds are also high that any woman found pursuing the isles of Ye Olde Wiccan Shoppe will also be tempted by other members of the XX gang, so all your hard work may bite you in the fald. Be warned).

Step 2 – Find a good teacher for the young padawan:

Many a gamer has been hooked by the mad skills of a well balanced Dungeon Master. Sadly though, just as many potential gamers have been lost to the banal ether by the shoddy performance of a poor Dungeon Master, or worse, the “I must beat the players” type Dungeon Master. It is key that you find a Dungeon Master that places a strong emphasis on interaction and plot. I know most dudes just want to be able to bash the next Ogre that gets lippy and while the ladies will discover the joy of a critical hit in time, they seem to have need for story and crap like that. (Truthfully, I tend to get sucked into the story too, so I can’t fault the ladies for that one). Be certain you fight the temptation to DM the first few games in which your lovely lady friend has agreed to partake in. It is simply too easy to alter the rules in the hopes of making the game an enjoyable experience. Sooner or later she will have to face the fact that rolling a 1 on the D20 means bad things happen. Flubbing roles to improve the first few games will only make the game frustrating down the road when she tries something that used to work. The only way you can properly DM her first few games is if you are the group’s full time DM to begin with, which just assumes that you are fair to begin with and the other players enjoy the game. Speaking of the players, behind how a DM runs a game, the players can be one of the strongest factors in keeping your girl in the realm of polyhedral dice…

Step 2.1 Wash up and eyes up:

I know this is all sounding so very junior high and clichéd, but it is essential that everyone at the table be well groomed. You don’t need to dress up and style your hair, but try not to smell like you just spent the last 8 hours as the lead fryer at KFC…Even if you did. In fact, I can say with 100% certainty that the few groups that I have gamed with that included a woman were the most enjoyable from an olfactory sense. Shame is a powerful weapon and rare is the Geek that is willing to look and smell like a schlep in front of a member of the opposite sex. I understand that there is nothing better then putting on your favorite ragged superhero shirt, a pair of nasty sweat pants, your lucky fragging cap and rolling dice until the wee hours of the morning; however, if you want to keep the lovely lady in your gaming group, its time to step the hygiene up a notch. That doesn’t mean, however, that gaming comfort is forever lost. No one likes to lounge in oversized sweats more then members of the fairer sex and once she arrives at the table in her favorite sweat pans and/or jogging suit she has officially entered the most coveted “one of the dudes” club and your may return to your piggish ways. (Just try to cut back on the scratching).

Speaking of piggish ways… I know it’s hot to image what your lady gamer friend would look like in the chainmail pasties +1 that her character wears and by all means visualize away…just…just wait until you get home. When interacting, try not to succumb to the ocular drawing power of breasts. Just don’t. (Or, at least wait until she drops her D12 and has to lean under the table to pick it up…But you better look fast because she’s going to be expecting it and will totally bust your lame ass)!

Step 3 – Correlate and Visualize:

This is a step that I myself have missed each and every time I have brought a new gamer into the fold. I want to thank the lovely Diana from Downtown for pointing out this obviously key element. Gamers do it all the time, we’ll be watching a movie and make an off hand comment about how a character on the screen missed a save or must have rolled a natural 20. Come on, you know you all wanted to go home after The Two Towers and try to recreate the battle of Helms Deep… Those who didn’t, well, you’re either a fake Geeks or are lying. Face it, we all did that or at the very least wanted to and didn’t have a group who was interested. In a way, Peter Jackson has done a great service to the Geek gaming community. He has created the worlds greatest roleplaying combat scene example. Once you have taught your newly budding Gamer Girl the basic rules and she has played in a couple of sessions, have a movie night. More importantly, have a Lord of the Rings movie night. It really should be a given that she is a fan of the films if she is already willing to play D&D with you and your Geek bros. When the Mines of Moria battle comes up, break down the scene with her and explain moments in gaming terms. In fact, that battle scene breaks down almost perfectly for a typical D&D combat session. It has it all: Initiative rolls, rolls to hit, damage done from a hit, avoiding blows from high dexterity, strong armor protecting a character from death and how flanking a Cave Troll makes it easier to bring him down. I can all but guarantee that she will now enjoy combat session within a game more now that she can visualize what all those numbers and funky pewter figures on graph paper would look like in the real world. Trust me when I say, never will you feel prouder when you are at the movies and your girlfriend leans over and states with a grin, “that dude just totally rolled a 1!”

Well, there you have it. Three simple steps is all it takes to create a full fledged Gamer Girl.

Simple!

Okay, look, I feel like I must come clean… All the steps I listed above will likely not work too well; in fact you will most likely fail in every possible way. As much as I don’t believe in genetic predisposition, the cold hard truth is this: A woman either likes gaming or she doesn’t. Unlike genre films or comics or various musical styles, role playing has no real artistic value. Now, I don’t mean it doesn’t take talented and artistic people to create and design these games. It does, more then you imagine. What I mean is that it is hard to convince someone, anyone, that RPGs are a “legitimate” art form, except to the people involved in creating them. That may change someday, in the far future where we all more enlightened (and driving flying cars). Think about it this way; Rap and Hip-Hop is just barely being recognized as a viable musical form by the powers that be… How long do you think it will take a hobby that is, wrongly, synonymous with smelly guys with no social graces to be accepted? Until that day comes, you will simply have to hope to find a woman who is interested in the hobby (or at least the fantasy genre) to begin with.

Much thanks to all the lovely (and hot) Gamer Girls who lent me their mad wisdom in creating the tutorial… Free XP for all!